How to reward your children

As parents, we often fall into the trap of thinking that we have to reward our children for everything they do. Of course, giving encouragement and praise is important, but it’s even more important to know how and when to reward them. When it comes to children practicing and playing their musician instrument regularly, it can be tough getting them to keep up and stay motivated. We have all heard “I don’t want to practice” and “I’m bored of this piece” before. 

So how do we incentivise, reward, and praise children in the most effective way, to ensure they stick at it?

The catch-22 of rewarding children

The idea that we should offer rewards and punishments for children is somewhat outdated. There are several schools of thought and child developmental psychology that state rewards and punishments can teach children to behave, or not behave in certain ways just to get a reward, or avoid punishment. Therefore, you are not actually rewarding them for acting a certain way or achieving something genuinely, you are rewarding them for managing to act a way that means they haven’t broken the “rules” that have been set. This is not optimal, especially when it comes to music practice.

Look at it this way. If you tell your child you’ll give them a treat for every hour they practice, they may use the time in a non-constructive manner, just to get the treat. This could include not applying themselves, not taking practice seriously, or skiving off, but telling you that they have indeed practiced. It does little to actually motivate them to practise. Similarly, if you tell them they will be grounded if they don’t practice five times in a week, they may behave in a similar way to avoid that punishment.

At the end of the week, they may have “practiced” for five days, but they may not have actually achieved anything or made any progress.

How to incentivise your child

I believe there are definitely ways you can reward your child, although I much prefer to use the term ‘incentivise’ instead.

When we talk about incentivising, we use a positive and proactive term which means to motivate or encourage someone to do something. Rather than just asking them to do something, and giving them a treat if they complete it (no matter how well), I like to set challenges and goals to keep them interested. When they reach and surpass these goals, they are provided with a constructive reward that will further incentivise them.

Here are the ways I like to incentivise my students.

• Get them to aim for consistency

Rather than getting them to practice every day and rewarding them for that, you could ask them to practice for a certain number of hours a month, or to practice for a certain number of consecutive days. Consistency is key with practicing. By targeting them on hours, you allow flexibility into their lives. If for example, one day they are under the weather, they can make it up at other times.

• Set milestones

Practice is only productive if it’s progressive. In other words, your child can practise all day, every day, but unless they improve, it’s pointless. A great way to measure their progress and keep them evolving in their practice is to set milestones. For example, you could ask them to master a certain number of passages in a certain amount of time. Of course, this should be done in consultation with their teacher, who can ensure the milestones set are realistic and achievable.

Sign up Now for an introductory assessment lesson and receive a tailored report of your child’s musical aptitude that will help you make the best decision on setting realistic goals.

• Turn tasks into challenges

Endless tasks can become boring for minds that get bored easily, so why not make them fun? By turning tasks into challenges, you add an element of competition and excitement into the learning process. It also makes practicing and playing seem less like a chore and more like something fun that they will enjoy doing!

• Reward them for not giving up

Mastering an instrument is tough. It takes time, dedication, and commitment. As a parent, you will likely hear “I want to quit” many times. It’s important to know when to keep encouraging them to continue, and when to accept that maybe it’s not the right vocation for them. Generally, I recommend keeping consistently motivating and supporting them during these phases of wanting to quit. I would then reward them after they have passed through the phase, saying “remember a month ago you wanted to quit? Look at how well you are doing now!”  and perhaps considering a reward. I would try to avoid promising them a reward just for not quitting.

• Give surprise treats and rewards

This ties into the above point. Sometimes, the best way to reward your child is by not letting them know a reward is coming. You can pick random achievements such as not missing any practices for two weeks, doing more hours than you asked, mastering a piece in record time, or really going the extra mile for an exam, and give them a reward for it. If they don’t know when rewards are coming, they will aim for consistently better behavior. They are also less likely to try to act the way they think you want them to act, just to get a reward.

• Praise them for overcoming difficulties

Learning an instrument is hard, but it is immensely satisfying. Verbally praising your child when they have completed a particularly difficult task or overcome a difficulty is a great way to keep them motivated. Our teachers use this method in all our lessons, and it’s an assured confidence boost for your child.

But not all ways of praising are effective, so be cautious which kinds you use.

How to praise

The language we use when we teach, guide, and praise our children can have a significant impact on the way we shape their behavior. It can also affect how they feel about themselves, and how they interact with others in later life.

Look at this example. After an orchestral performance that your child has taken part in, it can be tempting to tell them “well done, I am so so so proud of you”. Of course, you are proud and you should tell them that, but it doesn’t have to be the focus of your praise.

Instead try, letting them lead and ask: “How do you feel? Did you give your all?”  Once they have told you how they think they did, then you can give your opinion. For example: “ You should be so proud of yourself. You played well, you were confident, brave, and all the hard work you put in practicing paid off.”

Here are some other tips on how to praise your child in a constructive way:

• Give specific praise such as “I loved your legato in x particular section” or “I really liked your attention to detail and all the things you brought out in that phrase/piece/section.” Rather than just saying “well done” and “good job”, if you can pick out specific things they did well, the praise becomes more constructive.
• Don’t just praise them for the outcome. If they have been practicing a tough  piece for three months, you should be praising them for their effort all the way through their journey, not just at the end. “Wow, you are so dedicated to your practice, I just know you will get there soon if you keep at it!” is more effective than “yes, you did it!”.
• Ask questions. Another great way to praise a child is by getting them to analyse what they did well and what helped them succeed. For example, if they do well in an exam, you can praise and reward them using the guidelines above, but you can also ask “what bits do you think you did well at?”, “what would you do differently next time?”, and “what did you learn that will help you with your next exam?”.
• Ask them if they meant to play the piece in a certain way or with a certain twist. By asking them, you can open up the conversation over something they have done differently, and it shows them you are listening. This is a great way to boost confidence but also help them to explore their creativity and analyse the performance they have given.

Don’t be scared of praising or rewarding your child, but by adopting some of these techniques, you can encourage them in a way that will help them succeed not just in music but in everything they apply themselves to in the future.

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